My Dreams

Dreams manifests into a hope that pulls us onwards, toward a goal, toward continually existing, toward finding meaning in this thing called "life".

There was a dream that goes this way.

I would study hard, but just enough to get reasonable grades in school. Doesn't have to be the best grades because they don't hold any meaning later. Waste of time. Then get into well known University, do well and get a job even before graduation. Work hard, get comfortable. Get own car and own small pad. High class condo or apartment with state-of-the-art security, in-house facility and spacious safe parking. Have good friends, doesn't have to be many. We all know what "many friends" entail. The superficiality of it. However many contacts means differently. Have a few interesting high quality admirers. Sweet life of the singles.

After some time, probably meet The One. Have a high flying interesting ever passionate courtship. Small, intimate homey proposal yet filled with magnitude of meaning. SMALL but talk of the century wedding. A wedding that people will remember for its company and good food. Not meaningless things like decor, location, dresses, crowds and gossips. The honeymoon would be a simple getaway yet with the best luxuries available. Meaning don't have to go far, just a nice location nearby but having the best of the best such as bulter services, presidential suite, personal massuer, private jacuzzi and pool. Constant champagne, only the finest dark chocolates, and tons of lovely fresh flowers everyday.

Home sweet home would be a tiny small cottage, in Malaysia case, house i guess. Haha. Just something small and cute. Warm and homely. Huge cushion sofas should fill the hall, beanbags, plush toys and perhaps a couple of scented candles. Definitely decorative lamps, one or two. Then dining area would be normal. Kitchen however must be once again, state-of-the-art equipment and cabinets. It must have an island where I can do the work. All house toilets should be dry and pleasant smelling. It would have funky decors. Bedrooms would have different statements of culture. Exterior, would be a carpet grass garden with lotsa beautiful flowers around like spring time.

And the rest of life. Haha. My home sweet home dreams are a bit conflicting but I'll be getting there.

There's another dream that goes this way...

If only...

We lived in a world without money.. A world that thrives only on friendship, love and the well-being of its inhabitants and co-inhabitants.. A world that does not necessitate crime, hate, war, jealousy, rivalry and bitterness.. How would this be?

We would live in forests.. have our own tree homes, firewood... we would eat whatever the forest provides or even the sea or river.. We would no longer need jobs, so we could spend time hunting for food.. And when we're done, we could spend time with our families, or with nature or our pets.. A much more enriching way to live do you not agree? We could wear animal skins (only when they're dead, we do not kill for clothes) or we could look for cotton and weave fabric from there. We can tap rubber from rubber trees to make shoes and slippers.. When we're bored, we could always interact with others or create games from things around us... bask in the sunshine as much as we one... if we fall sick, there are always medicated plants around...

life is the way it is today because we made it so... it is actually made up of a lot of things that isnt necessary, that we could do without... things that are designed to give us more time so that we could spend more quality time with our families and friends.. not so that we could work for longer hours, earn more money and fight and compete with one another for unnecesary positions that will once again start the circle... higher position, work longer hours and earn more... yes... but spend more time with loved ones? but people tend to forget these.. once they have made something that can do a task in a much shorter time, they see the profit it brings in, then the greed starts, the marketing begins.. the innovation begins... all the name of having a better quality life... truly is that happening?

Day 1

Woke up in the morning, and wondered if all that happened the night before was a dream. Was it really possible for a relationship such as ours to have been able to reach a decision where separation was necessary no matter how temporary? Did he really suggest that? It’s not surprising for me to have had agreed though, knowing how hard of a heart I can have. But still, is it true or have I not yet awaken?

I wanted to just call him and say, “Hey this is really silly, what are we fighting for? Let’s just apologise and go on our usual way of doing things”, then all the memories came flooding back. All the hurt, crushed expectations and pain that has brought us here today came back unbidden.

Then, I suppose this was truly necessary. How long should one go on expecting and waiting and expecting yet again? The circle has to be broken.

To err was not having control over my extreme emotions and possibly unreasonably high expectations. Perhaps it’s best that I carve my own road, in my own way, and in my own time. Without a doubt, there would be no one strong enough, willing enough to put up with my extreme emotions or intellectual enough to rein it in without causing further heartache.

Worse still, there is no one who could possibly measure up to my expectations in spite of me willing to give back on the same standards of expectations. No one who could understand the simplicity of what I want or need. It seems too complicated to the external viewers, who views only with their eyes and not their heart.

When there is one who could understand truly and intricately my desires, wants and needs,

When there is one who could find it in him to rein control within reason and space my emotions,

When there is one who could afford to put out the pillow of comfort and strength of reassurance,

When there is one such as that, who is willing to do all he could,

Then maybe, just maybe, I would for one last time, attempt the road many leap into claiming to be blind.

Maybe.

Christchurch, New Zealand

Loving my new "office"... especially when the view outside is snow cap mountains !! :) not more boring buildings or jammed up roads... hehehe...

The cool thing about my new job is that you work really really really hard for 10 hours and then you are rewarded with a beautiful habitat and a holiday that you are paid to have! How cool is that man... say, if i was still in office, i'd have to work 10 years to get such a reward... ain't i right there matey? and even that, i have to be the one to pay for it...hehehe...sorry, jz had to rub it in...

Moving on, after work, make up off and hair down, sleep needs chucked in the drawer for the moment...wrap self like a newborn baby, layers and layers of clothing and out into the ccold i went with my other bird friends... hunt for food first.. so we landed in Drexels for some breakfast style lunch.. rounda chitters then off for sightseeing... the shops are not so interesting for me.. boorringg.. next... took pictures and walkaround the famous chirstchurch cathedral square...walked along Avon river... so beautiful u'll never believe it! when i resize my pictures, i might put it up.. its exactly like my story books! all in real life now.. sigh.. so beautiful.. there were ducks swimming, people punting (someone rowing a gondola boat for you) and i can see the base of the river so clearly!! oh yes, there was also a huge sperm in the sqaure!! hahahaha... art week in CHC...

after that, had dinner... then more walking around, and went to supermarket.. everything cheap cheap... ok jk... the chocolates are the cheap dirt!!! buy again... (previously in adelaide bought tons of chocolate already!)..bought some sauces, of which i tried one just now for dinner - cheese and onion herbs.. blown away... nyam nyam...

after that, finally get to sleep.. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP.. then up early for tour.. found out no such tour anymore.. haha.. so we modified and created our own tour..

first stop - antartica.. this is actually the USA research centre on Antartica.. its something like a science research centre but they have stuff for visitors, a total replica of life in antartica... first thing we did is went to see the penguins feeding... so nice.. but darn smelly...then went into the antartica STORM!! hehehe... its a snow room where they replicate the temperature in antartica and had a snowstorm!! damn cooollldd.. i was already wrapped like a baby, then on top of that i added another winter coat that they lent us! it was still cold despite TWO winter coats!! crazy... hehehehe.. it was -15 degrees.. the worse in has gone to (in Antartica itself) is -89 degrees... giler giler...

next, the hagglund ride... foo fantastic! couldnt help screaming my head off tho.. oopss.. hehehhe..its a snow vehicle that they use in snow areas.. the tyres are wrapped in chains...so they took us up and down not one, but a few high hills.. and this thing had like 3 "cabins" and i was in the last one, can u jz imagine the impact.. first we're climbing up slowly.. slowly.. and pow! u lose ur breath as they go down hill!! hahaha.. its meant to replicate the ice/snow hills that the workers in antartica have to plough through.... then ... if they cannot get up the hill, they go around it! so that means that the vehicle is tilted right up to 35degrees and ur in it!! scary... see pity this people.. be glad ur sitting in a boring office! just on flat ground! hahaha..jk!

then... myself and another fren bought backstage passes specially to see my darling penguins and learn more ( u know me, anywhere i go, animals come first! hehehe).. so we went to see penguins, and i fed one and touch... ok lah... quite dry and oily very cute...my own one on my bed,more soft.. hahaha..but it was a lovely experience nonetheless..

after that to gondola (the cable car gondola, dunno why they love to use this word)... foo foo foo.. .this one no words or pictures can describe already! u need to see it to know it! the view.. magnificent!! beauuuuttiifull... sheeps on the mountains grazing, ocean as blue as the sky... weeather cold and crisp... grass jz tempting you to lie on it.. wow! so we birds hung out and took tons of pictures needless to say.. a lot of potential models.. hehehe..

then back down to the foot of the hill to Lyttelton.. for some fish and chips... its a beautiful small quiet town.. something like south of Switzerland to those who have been there.. the part with PWC in it.. haha.. sorry forgot the name at the moment.. then back to habitat to hibernate...finally get some chance to watch a bit of tv but not much coz another early morning next day...

So next day, went to art market, something like Msia flea market.. much nicer of course...ate bratwurst and dropped all my onions as i walk along.. so i had an onion trail behind me... hahaha..its so huge the whole thing, can't help it.. hehehe...sshhh... saw some beautiful paintings, but very expensive... really wanted to get it tho, coz i was speaking to the artist and they're so passionate of their work.. sigh.. spent too much money earlier.. too bad...

stumbled across a beautiful beautiful fantastic park!! and this is where i discovered what life is all about!! its just so relaxed and beautiful... beds and beds of beautifully defined flowers.. the trees were so nice they look fake.. the oak and all were really brown..and then you see families strolling along, parents taking their kids out to play or for a walk.. teenagers and some working adults just strolling along, enjoying the air and taking their time.. this was saturday, where most Msians and Singaporeans would be hard at work still!! haha.. but really, it was very touching.. the Avon river also flows through the park, and once again it was so beautiful... you see people canoeing, parents and children and couples.. the elderly were just sitting around and walking around holding hands.. there were so many ducks in the river, mandarin ducks, brown ones and black ones... and guess what!! there were also ducklings!!! hehehe... couldnt touch coz scared i fall in.. heheh..

and then i also saw a hospital bed by the river with someone in it.. i was like wha..? and then i discovered that the hospital was jz next to this blessed heaven.. and i knew life here was so worth it! they care so much for the man that they let him lie there in the park.. he's definitely going to recover! :) if only there were more medical professionals who does it that way.. but i know there are always other factors involved...

so in all in all, the big picture, wow! won't you agree with me that is what life is all about? its about enjoying nature with your loved ones..taking a break every now and then and not be a workaholic...work is not everything and neither is money... the quality of the essence of life is simply that! i am so glad i didn't spend all my time studying hard! so glad that i lived by the principle "balance"... :) tho more heavy on playing as usual.. hehehe

if i could, i would love to spend my whole day there, but there were prior arrangements.. so reluctantly another bird and i pulled ourselves away from the park and went back to the habitat.. only to get into a beautiful champagne peach toyota camry :) lovely combination of my fav colors :) and off we went to Kaikoura - 2H 30M journey from CHC... went there, supposedly to whale watch.. but didnt... just went to where the ocean ends and saw fat fat seals..at that moment in time, i truly wanted to be a fat lazy brown seal... when i saw it, it just yawn and snorted, and turned another way to continue sleeping in the sun.. wow.. if only i could do that all day long.. food and habitat is no worry.. how nice to be a seal... shit... why am i not one...

then had seafood along the roadside...ok let me backtrack a little... we originally wanted to go and visit Mt Edoras (Lord of the Rings mountains) where they actually did their filming... the real name is Mt Potts...but we didnt, and in the end we were quite glad we didnt coz it was v expensive and we got the same deal anyway :) while driving to Kaikoura, WOW WOW! MILES AND MILES OF ROLLING HILLS... SNOW CAP MOUNTAINS IN THE DISTANCE... it was breathtaking!! breathtaking i say!! i initially also wanted to go to sheep farm (yes animals again, hehe in fact was hunting for kiwis!) so but glad i didnt go too, there were simply millions of cute furry and also sheared sheeps along the way... there were also horses, cows of all colours... it was wonderful! we stopped at a vineyard, on your left is the vast beautiful sea whereby you can spot whales on good days, and immediately when you turn right, first you see a vineyard, green and brown in color, and direct staring you in the face is another snowcap mountain! how great is that man! u've got to be there to understand the enormosity of the scenery.. wonderful!

after that, we wanted to go to Akaroa ( been dying to go here since day 1) but halfway we turned back because it was simply too late into the night... guess it wasnt meant to be ;(... on the other hand, something has to be kept for another time right.. hehehe...

so that was it folks! a beautiful trip... one thing that really amazes me (aside from the life and scenic views) is that when go on job, everyone was a stranger, and yet we managed to have such a good time with each other and return as friends... life is amazing in its own ways isnt it? :)

Next stop, Johannesburg, will try my best not to spend too much money there... just one visit to the lions den to carry baby lions and then back to habitat to sleep... i hope.. hehehhee *fingers crossed.. yes animals again... can't live without them...hehehe...

Aloha from Singapura!

Today is Sunday.. Am suppose to be spending time with my teddy bear... Holding hands, walking around... Hanging out... But nooo... instead we're miles apart and I'm planted in a shopping mall surfing the net all day... hmmMMmmm.... Well at least they have free wireless access... I even stumbled across a community library in the shopping complex which you can just walk in and read or surf (with your own laptop).. so cool right?! Unlike the one back home, "only members" are allowed to go in... Then they shouldn't be called "community"...

Ok so have somewhat settled down in Singapore..Am totally not allowed to blog about the company am working for or anything to do with it.. So sorry, no info on that... Other than that I will update on my personal experience non - related to the company.. go figure! hahaha..

I've just only moved in my own place yesterday and goodness gracious! The place is sooo dirty!!! eeekkk... 2 maids cleaning for 6 hours still couldnt finish it!! They were sppose to just clean like normal, but it ended up being spring cleaned due to its dirtiness!! Sticky kitchen and dusty rooms.. Says a lot about the previous owners.. Sigh... Other than that I have a lovely lavender colored room...In the process of cosy-fying it.. Bought bed... Need to get a clothes rack.. So reluctant to get all this!! Coz when i move out, then what happens to all these?! Gee.. and the rent is sky high!!

Am staying with 3 other colleagues, its a big 4-room HDB flat..not too bad, quite spacious... but con-job lah.. could have been much cheaper but due to green leaves like us, it wasnt... oh well...

Still hunting for a church here...

A lot to learn living on my own... and living with 3 other girls... different cultures and upbringings to adapt too.. hmm hmm....

OK then.. toodles...

A Harder Adjustment

Hey, wow been a long time!! Yes i know i know... i did say i'll update this blog before i leave for Singapore, but i just didn't have time what with the packing and last minute meet ups and all! So i was jz about to go offline again, but i tot, heck why not jz do a short update blog! Wouldn't hurt right? Hehehe... Maybe the thing with me is i always want to make sure my blog is in chronological order etc etc, so u know, when it all piles up, then u dun feel like doing it... heheheh...

So here goes, as most of you know would know, i have had a major change of profession... Still coping and trying to survive here in Singapore... just only heard some very very scary stories... so really just wanna go back and forget it... hehehe...as if that's possible...

I am not sure what to say and how to say.. there are some restrictions etc... let me figure things out first... just trying to settle down, survive this adjustment period.. sigh...

OK then... tooddles..

Shy - ness laa...

Hello Peeps or Spideys... whichever is my everlasting blog-fan! Ha ha..

SHy ness la ... really shy ness.. this is worse than that peekaboo time!! i Dont think i want to tell u why.. *red faceeee...

Ok oK.. i Will tell LA... bug ofF... so this time i KNOW how i am SUPPOSE to log in... so first, get to blog page la right to see it... THEN.. i typed www... ooppsss.. ok backspace... retyped - teadolphin.blogspot.com... page NOT FOUND! crappe!... looked at the address again.. correct wert!... nvm... retyped...cannot... FINE... tried teamokey.blogspot.com... looked at the blogs... 'theory applied to gaming script,lisp, java..'!! What SHIT MAN! not mine.. confirm!! ciao ciao...

THEN ... i had to resort to this... :( Don't LAUGH OK! i went to baybeetea's blog... because that's the only one i remember by heart... yes SUE.. be HAPPY and JUMP for JOY! hehehee... then .. thankfully, good friend means good friend forever la, she still kept me on main page altho i havent blog for AGES!! hehe thanx dear darlingest bbtea! :) so then PHEW... i saw the old familiar pages of the windows to my soul.... geee...

tak puas hati.. BECAUSE the add is EXACTLY the SAME as i typed earlier!! i double checked!! no difference at all!! in spelling or whatsoever!! crappo pig!! sigh.. anyway here i am... at familiar pages just like old time.. except... I AM LIBERATED!!! WOO HOO!!! YEA YEA YEA!!!!

no no.. i havent gone crazy.. still sane and in love with the same ol same ol person :) i finally finished ALL MY EXAMS!!! for LIFE!!! okok... *clause - if i have passed all my papers this semester, then statement shall be valid! :) yes now i am at the brink of graduation, verdict on Nov 30, but knowing Monash, it could be a day earlier... hopefully! ;)

so after my final paper on wednesday afternoon, at approximately 4.50pm i was liberated from the examination hall, and in less than 5 minutes, a friend came up to me and said 'you are no longer a monashian! get out!'.. HAHAHA...i walked slowly down the staircase, digesting it all in..walking out the same pathway i've been so familiar with for the last 3 - 4 months... thinking, when is the next time i might grace this beautiful walkway... paid parking, and walk thru that memorable bridge where sometimes the dog will walk me in or out...where the rain floods it and wets my hundred over dollar hush puppy shoe... drive out of the parking lot which i may never need to park in anymore...*sniff...
yeah right!! hahahaha!!! okok enuf nostalgic ness..

went to see my baby at his workshop of course.. stole him away from his customers for a moment of celebration! finally get to see him after two full days of not seeing him! (yes as time goes by, i become more spoilt, need to see everyday) then...drove home...got caught in the jam for ONE HOUR! and my dad tot i went to 'ronda ronda' as he puts it... hahaa...then went to dinner.. had a really nice mee bandung at santai, ttdi.. then went home, straight to the sofa with mommy and daddy and stoned in front of tv till 2am!!! muaahaahaa... daddy's fault! the night before when i was studying in the dining area (now work area), dad and mom was watching this super cool chinese drama show and i got caught up!! hehehehe so together we finished the series! i got a bloody splitting headache after that!! its like drinking 10 bottles of beer or sumting alcoholically strong and then having the worst headache life can possibly deal u with!! even a straight watch of all 20 + episodes of watching desperate housewives don't do that to u! hahaha.. maybe its because i was trying very to hard to understand the chinese!! keke... ssssshhhh...

moving on.. the next day, which is sort of today is deepavali!! yay!! get to spend time with darling without the thought of exams or have to go home to study etC!! liberation reiterated!.. so morning i went to learn italian from su - not bad!! :) she taught well and i learnt fast, right su? grazie su! :) then home to DYNOMITE!! hehehe... thank God for this game on yahoo man!! it helped me release all the tension and stress during the examination period! and of course Praise God for carrying me throughout that difficult time and to all my friends and of coz darling, for rallying in prayer for me and being RIGHT THERE for me!! you guys are great!! thanx!!

ok i diversed so much... after dynomiting and mcdonalding (another game a cousin sent to me - very addictive and business-ish), parents and sis bro finally came home to give me food.. was starving by then... then ate then back to mcdonalding... then finally baby woke up and said he's coming to see me!! wooohooo yay!!!

so then we went to genting highlands... contrary to general belief, it wasnt jam at all! smooth drive but was very difficult to find parking!! so FULL!! then we parked, and i asked him to disconnect some point from the bonnet area so that if ppl steal his car then they wouldnt be able to drive it away*.. it is a very dangerous place**..then we went in... wow the air is so fresh and nice!! soo ccccoollddd summore!! i sppose due to the rainy season :).. took some pictures.. which i may or may not upload... went to CASINO!!! hehehe.. but did not get to go to the main one! SIGH... walk around.. shop.. bought diesel jeans at 50% OFF! hehehe...pak toh, hold hands...eat peppermint ice-cream... then it was time to go off...

went to gohtong jaya for dinner...wanted to eat their famous black pepper venison!! when we got to the shop, they said venison today not nice.. very very hard... then sad.. so they recommend same style but pork!! so i said YES YES YES OK... darling looked a bit green... he dont like pork whereas i LOVE pork..at our wedding i got him to AGREE to have roasted pork!!! hahahaha.. with the full head etc ;) anyway... so dinner was good..
then we had a quiet peaceful drive down, enjoying the fresh cool air...it was just so nice and beautiful.. sighh... :)

then we went to catch a movie and jz spend time with each other....another romantic interlude to the day, without the thought of having to cut it shot because i have to study.. ahem... hehehe...

then ANTI CLIMAX!!
remember the part where i asked him to disconnect some stuff from the bonnet area? *
then we or rather me, stupidly forgot about it!!! because the car managed to start and jalan, so we jz didnt think of it... until so we drove the car down Genting to KL in that condition and BOOM!! petrol error light came out when petrol was FULL TANK!! then suddenly he remembered!! he HADNT RE-CONNECTED the thing he pulled out!!! that could have spoiled the engine, and most likely it did because it was a fuel pump. Ok i am not car expert, but according to him, the damage estimated - RM10000!! jz for forgetting ONE SMALL THING!! sigh.. oh well i am praying hard that by some miracle that there is a cheaper alternative to that!! sigh sometimes being to safe is not good!!

diverse for a while - another unrelated eg of that.. when i got home to shower, boy was i bloody pisseeeeddd offf!!!! someone ANNOYINGLY turned off the water pressure switch and it was so bad so much so there was almost no water to bathe in!!! this is one of the few things that really tick me off!!! it was installed for a reason.. whats with the swtiching it on and off?? the last time this happened, it was my mom (at least according to my dad) who switched it off.. and for what reason? TO BE SAFE... jz dun wan so many electricity points on, maybe got lightning etc... SIGH.. pissing off.... but u get my point right?

sigh dun be cautious cannot.. be cautious then incur unnecessary consequences... stupid... sigh...

ok back to issue at hand.. now that the first* is explained.. remember that i said that the place was dangerous?**
on our way back to the car, we saw this guy on a motorbike stopping at each and every car that he thinks isnt locked!!! he LOOKS like a guard, but clearly he isnt.. he just goes from car to car to open it... SCARY!! and then at then at exit got police (everywhere exit in genting seems to have police), we stupidly forgot to mentioned it to them!! but anyway bear in mind la when parking at first world hotel free parking lot.. that was why i asked josh to disconnect the cable.. stupid or wise move? proven stupid!

okay.. so that's my update for now! got more... but maybe in the next blog!! hehehe
tatabies

Peekaboo!

Okay was just wondering into my blog with some spare time i've had to spend for once!
And guess what! It took me a gazillion tries to log in! hahahahaha!!

I thought it was password problem, then i figured maybe its the user name problem... because i've a diff name for almost everything.. then i opened my eyes a little wider, and its says log in with your google account! What the..!

Haha so here i am.. Just testing... Guess it works...
Dust and Cobwebs everywhere...
Well perhaps, i'll do something about it after my Audit assignment tomorrow! CYA~ spideysss..