Day 1

Woke up in the morning, and wondered if all that happened the night before was a dream. Was it really possible for a relationship such as ours to have been able to reach a decision where separation was necessary no matter how temporary? Did he really suggest that? It’s not surprising for me to have had agreed though, knowing how hard of a heart I can have. But still, is it true or have I not yet awaken?

I wanted to just call him and say, “Hey this is really silly, what are we fighting for? Let’s just apologise and go on our usual way of doing things”, then all the memories came flooding back. All the hurt, crushed expectations and pain that has brought us here today came back unbidden.

Then, I suppose this was truly necessary. How long should one go on expecting and waiting and expecting yet again? The circle has to be broken.

To err was not having control over my extreme emotions and possibly unreasonably high expectations. Perhaps it’s best that I carve my own road, in my own way, and in my own time. Without a doubt, there would be no one strong enough, willing enough to put up with my extreme emotions or intellectual enough to rein it in without causing further heartache.

Worse still, there is no one who could possibly measure up to my expectations in spite of me willing to give back on the same standards of expectations. No one who could understand the simplicity of what I want or need. It seems too complicated to the external viewers, who views only with their eyes and not their heart.

When there is one who could understand truly and intricately my desires, wants and needs,

When there is one who could find it in him to rein control within reason and space my emotions,

When there is one who could afford to put out the pillow of comfort and strength of reassurance,

When there is one such as that, who is willing to do all he could,

Then maybe, just maybe, I would for one last time, attempt the road many leap into claiming to be blind.

Maybe.